Why Controlling Anxiety is a Bad Idea

Article by Max Maisel, PhD Clinical Psychologist Practicing in Redondo Beach and Los Angeles, California

Anxiety and OCD are known as "paradoxical" experiences. All this means is that the intuitive approaches people use to feel better (e.g. positive thinking; talking yourself through it; distraction; avoidance) can easily prolong anxiety or even make it worse. Check out our recent blog post for some specific traps people suffering from anxiety or OCD tend to fall into.

Fortunately, it is very possible to outmaneuver your anxiety and reclaim power over your worry and intrusive thoughts. However, to do this, it's important to understand the idea of "paradoxical control" and use this to practice tools that are counterintuitive to what feels right, but will ultimately give you the freedom you are seeking.

Paradoxical control is the idea that there are certain things in life where the harder you try to control them, the farther away you get from your goal.

A classic example is sleep. Have you ever REALLY wanted to fall asleep? Perhaps you had a big day and wanted to be the best (most rested) version of yourself? What typically happens when you want to sleep so badly? Most often, people become stressed about not sleeping, leading them to feel even more awake!

Think about it as though an overly playful dog escaped her leash and you have to chase her down. The faster you run toward her, the faster she moves away. What if you were to stop, turn around, and run in the opposite direction? Most often, the playful pup will turn around and run straight to you! Going back to the sleep example, what would happen if your intention was to lay in bed, allowing yourself to stay up as long as you needed to? Most people report that they pass out within 10 minutes (although if you TRY to pass out, you’re again falling into the control trap). Paradoxical, huh?

Clever tricks to let go of paradoxical control in anxiety and OCD

Motivational or Acceptance Statements: When you find yourself in an anxiety or OCD flare-up, one of the worst things you can do is try to "talk back" by arguing with your anxiety or overanalyzing the situation. It’s essential to have some prepared mental statements that help remind you to act paradoxically – that is, allow anxiety to be, lean into discomfort, and not run away from the fear!

Some examples of statements include: “Thanks for that one, OCD”; “I can handle this feeling”; “Bring it on, OCD”; “It’s worth it for me to feel this way.” It’s important to find the ones that work best for you and try them out! After you practice responding to your anxiety in this way, the key is to gently turn your attention back to the present moment, making space for the discomfort or anxiety to exist and pass on its own time.

Self-Compassion: Bringing kindness and warmth to yourself is one of the most helpful things you can do! All too often, people with anxiety or OCD are incredibly self-critical. This paradoxically leads to even more anxiety, as your brain responds to harsh inner talk as though there is a threat (activating the flight-vs-fight mode and generating more anxiety).

One of my favorite practices to engender self-compassion is Kristin Neff’s (a leading psychologist who researches the benefits of self-compassion) three steps: Mindfully observing the pain (e.g. “wow, I notice this is really hard right now, and that’s okay”), connecting to other people (e.g. “this is normal. There is nothing wrong with me. I have anxiety and so do millions of other people”), and finally offering oneself a kind word of encouragement or an act of kindness (e.g. “I’ve done hard things before, I can do a hard thing right now. I got this”). Remember, the tone you use is as important as the words you tell yourself. You can think of a person in your life (or a character from a story or movie) who embodies kindness, warmth, and compassion. See if you can speak to yourself in a way that this person speaks to others (e.g. I love to use Mr. Rogers or Mufasa from The Lion King).

Paradoxical Agreement: You can think about anxiety like an annoying lawyer you have to sit next to at a wedding. Picture this: you’re trying to enjoy the celebration, relax, spend time with friends and family. However, the lawyer sitting beside you seems determined to challenge every statement you make.

No matter what you say, they counter with an opposing argument, refusing to let the conversation flow smoothly. Unfortunately, the more you engage with the lawyer's arguments and try to convince them otherwise, the more entangled you become in a web of frustration and exhaustion. Similarly, when faced with anxiety, attempting to reason, argue, or fight against it often leads to heightened distress and a cycle of endless mental turmoil. Just as agreeing with the lawyer will defuse their arguments and help restore peace, accepting the presence of anxiety and gently acknowledging it without resistance can pave the way for inner calm and a path towards managing anxiety's grip.

Mindful Disengagement: Mindful disengagement serves as a powerful tool in defusing from worry and anxiety. Imagine being caught in a cycle of racing thoughts, anticipation, and relentless mental chatter.

In this state, it's easy to become overwhelmed by the intensity of anxious thoughts and emotions. However, by practicing mindful disengagement, you can step back from this turbulent inner landscape. It involves observing your thoughts and feelings with non-judgmental awareness, acknowledging their presence without getting entangled in their content. When you learn to see your thoughts and feelings as transient and subjective experiences, it becomes much easier to shift your attention onto other aspects of your present moment experience. There are many ways to increase your "mindful disengagement" muscle (which we’ll be writing about in more depth in future posts). Two common ways to practice include telling yourself “I notice I’m having the thought [insert anxious thought]” or incorporating a mindfulness of breath practice for 15 minutes every day.


To learn more about ways that you can avoid common traps and pitfalls of anxiety or OCD, please reach to Beachfront Anxiety Specialists by calling (213) 218-3080  or by sending a message through the CONTACT page. Clinicians treat anxiety online or in-person in our offices in Redondo Beach and Los Angeles, CA.